In Pursuit of Peace

What is love?

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I am a grandma!  My mind screams out in disbelief saying, “This is not possible!” while my heart says, “You’d better believe it, because this thing is real.” 

At 47 years old, I feel like I’m just now reaching the prime of my life, I finally have the freedom that I’ve longed for since childhood, to do what I want, when I want to do it.  I’ve finally reached a stage in my life where I can embrace being an adult.  I LOVE IT! And now, all of a sudden, there’s yet another something new in my life.  Whoever said there is nothing new under the sun, was way off base.  The poor soul.  Every day is new and there is most definitely something wonderful and new every time you open your eyes. God said, “Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19).  New is wonderful!

This whole grandma thing, while I’ve known it was coming for about 9 months, has taken me totally by surprise.  My friends all told me that being a grandma was the best thing ever.  They celebrated with me in my joy over the prospects of having a grandchild, and consoled me through the fears and uncertainty for my own child … this precious baby’s mother.  Through it all though, every one of them promised me that my life was about to change forever.  They were right!

Back in my 20’s, I thought life was good.  I had watched my sister have three girls. I watched how she struggled with the demands of motherhood with three small children and had determined that motherhood was not my calling.  My life was pretty good in my own estimation.  I was an adult.  I had a decent job.  I could come and go as I pleased.  I could do whatever I wanted and not answer to anyone for it.  I was living the good life.

Thankfully, and by His grace, God had another plan for me.  In a moment of carelessness, I succumbed to what I thought was true love, and God gave me a beautiful, perfectly wonderful child (Psalm 13:13-14), my daughter. 

My daughter and me on Mother’s Day

The moment she was born, everything changed.  This little tiny human whom had emerged from within my body, brought a large piece of my heart out with her.  My new normal was trying to keep my heart alive while watching it live outside of my body … forever!  Terrifying!  Yet, so rewarding.  These 20+ years have been the best years of my life, even through seasons of pain and great loss, nothing else can compare.

I cannot imagine how empty and barren my life would have been without my daughter in it.  I thought I knew what love was all those years ago.  After all, I had a strong relationship with my own parents, and with my aunts, and my cousins, and my friends.  We loved each other deeply and spent as much time as we could together.  Yes, I had love, but looking back now, nothing that could compare to the love I have for my own child and the love that she has for me in return.  Without her, I would have gone through life never knowing what it meant to love another human to the point of sacrifice.  She was the one that caused me to realize that I would indeed lay down my life for another human being. Before my daughter, I may have considered it for a select few people, but for the most part, the love that I knew was just surface deep, it was relational. 

When I became a mom, it changed everything.  Love changed; and relational was no longer good enough, it was no longer fulfilling.  How sad that I would have missed it all had God not intervened and gave me His best, in spite of what I thought I wanted.

It brings to life the Word of God when He tells us that we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).  I knew the love I had for my mother, but I could not fathom, in my wildest imagination, the love that she first had for me – until I was a mother, and had that love for my own child.  Imagine, if you can, the love that the Father must have toward us.  If we are capable of this kind of soul piercing love for one another, how much more is the love of the Father?  How much love does it take to offer your only begotten Son (John 3:16), to redeem all of mankind from the evil one … regardless of whether they will return that love?  We will probably never understand until we get to Heaven.  Thank God, we don’t have to understand it in order to receive it.

Fast forward to today.  As I sit and sip my coffee thinking about this absolutely perfect little boy who came into this world just 13 days ago, I remember.  I am feeling all the joy and love and fear that I felt those 20 years ago when my own baby girl was born, only now it is magnified 1000 times over.  This little tiny human now holds an even bigger piece of my heart – the piece his mommy holds plus another piece just for him … and he has NO IDEA!  It’s beautiful, and amazing, and inspiring, and quite frankly terrifying that this sweet boy holds so much power over me simply by the coo of his voice or the wiggling of this fingers.

My sweet grandson

I have no doubt that I have many new experiences and revelations yet to discover in my life here in this world.  But THIS thing, this little tiny boy who will grow up calling me Gigi, is the most amazing thing ever.  Who knew, that when your heart is as full as it can possibly be with love for another, that it could STILL make room for more love?  I’ve learned in the last 13 days that we simply cannot exceed the capacity of our hearts when it comes to love.  How can this be?  I have no idea and the words to explain it escape me anyway, but it is … it just is!  I believe it’s yet another miracle from the God of miracles. 

I pray many blessings, much peace, and unconditional love to each and every one of you.

Love ya’ll.

Hugs, Trixie

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